Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in oflightdarkness' LiveJournal:

Monday, April 10th, 2006
11:13 pm	A lethargic stupor of stress There's only three more weeks of classes before finals week. I'm both excited for this and completely stressed out. All of my major classes (which is the majority of my classes this semester) expect a good term paper within the next two weeks. Two of these papers are research papers that I have no idea what I'm going to write on and the other is an exegetical paper that I have been fooling around with since before spring break. So, those papers are stressing me out. I have a presentation due wednesday that I'm not really prepared for. Which, of course, means that all of tomorrow will be dedicated to that research and power point. Can you believe that in all my years of schooling I have never needed to do a powerpoint presentation?! I feel as though I am the only student around who has no idea how to put one together. Oh, well... the students will have to deal with my lack of talent. Also, I must go back to the main thing that is always on my mind. Saddly I have not found a way around contemplation of this aspect of my life. I am not 13 weeks so pretty much out of the first trimester. This should mean that the morning sickness should be going bye - bye and my energy should be coming back. So far I'm not sure. I don't have all that bad of morning sickness, but it still remains that my energy is cashed after a day of classes. I still am unable to focus for more than an hour or two at a time after a day of school. So, that leaves me with having to do all my homework the other five days that I don't have classes. This may seem as though it should be a great situation, but I fear that my roommates are seeing me only as a slacker because I do the majority of my school work when they are gone so as to not have any distractions. I am also seeing a slight (probably more than slight) randomness to my moods. Things that my roommates do are now becoming more obnoxious to me. So far I have been able to keep silent or retire to my room, but with the additional stress of term papers I'm not sure how long I can keep to myself and not bite their heads off. Another thing I noticed (which I didn't notice with my last pregnancy) is that I can laugh so hard that I begin to cry. Then, the crying is unable to be stopped. I'm really concerned about this because I have no control over it. I'm afraid that it may happen while I'm in class or somewhere and bring with it a lot of questions and confusion. So, I need to control that or learn how to not laugh when I always want to. Another thing that goes along with new feelings during a second pregnancy would be the fact that I'm already having braxton hicks (practice contractions). In my last pregnancy I didn't notice them at all in the way that I notice them now. They are now more painful than what I remember and some have even taken my breath away. This makes me nervous for my delivery. What if I can't go natural again? I'm terrified of the epidural!!!!!! I don't know what I'll have to do. I can't let myself think about this yet. It's far too soon. I still have 6 months before then. The last thing concerning my pregnancy has to do with Coffeeboy. As some of you know already, he said many things that hurt my feelings over spring break when we talked last. I was so hurt and confused that I was unable to call him or talk to him without fear of biting back at him. I really wanted to take the high road and for me that meant not talking until he called me. Well, he finally called me on saturday night. So, I stayed composed and told him how he had hurt me. I'm not sure if he really gave me an apology or not...It didn't seem as though he did... He asked me how I was doing so I told him all of my plans and thoughts. Everything from the contractions to trying to figure out child support. I don't know how much he heard (or really cared), but all that mattered at that moment was the fact that he called and I was able to tell him how I felt. That was really all I needed at that time. I do, however, wish he would sincerely call me wanting to know what was going on with me. If he could show that he cares about the mother of the child and not just the soon-to-be child I would have less stress. Well, it is now 11pm and I still have homework to do so I must end this. Please keep me in your thoughts and if you really want to be amazing -- help me with my term papers!!!!!! (If nothing else I need topics) Current Mood: lethargic (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 22nd, 2006
12:38 pm	Spring break and there's snow! So, spring break started last thursday. I had the end of my pregnancy center training thursday through saturday and I added to that an overnight babysitting position for the Tate's. Trainings are so long! They're good, but so in depth and long that after the second day you don't feel like you can add anything to that. Friday I went right from training over to the Tate's house to start babysitting 4 kids (my first being one of them). They were really good. Barrett has started to throw temper-tantrums and all I can do is walk away and laugh when I know he can't see me. He's so much like his birth father that it's not even funny at times. Plus, he does have a little bit of my mean streak in him as well. The problems didn't come until 2:30 am saturday morning. Yep, before the sun even came up Barrett is screaming bloody murder in his crib! So, I quietly sneak down to the kitchen and heat up a bottle for him and take it up to him. I got him settled down and gave him the bottle. He slept for another hour and was screaming again! So, I gave him his second bottle and he slept for only 30 minutes. So, now it's 4am and I'm positive that he's gonna be up for the rest of the time. I go get him out of his crib and go down stairs, but I can tell that he's still really sleepy. So, I hold him and calm him down. He falls asleep in my arms so I start going up towards his crib again. Right when I get into his room he starts screaming again. I know he's still sleepy so I just take him back down stairs and let him sleep in my arms. (Breaking such a huge rule in the Tate house) We slept together (since I also fell back to sleep) til 6am. Not bad for being awake at 2:30! Then, at 8:30 my relief comes and I have to get in my car and drive to the last day of training. Those first few days of break were anything but a break! Sunday I got down to the springs and let myself completely slack off and relax. I had a doctor's appointment scheduled for wednesday (today), but I had to cancel it once I found out how much I was gonna have to pay! So, I'm now applying for medicaid (I hate relying on the government yet here I am). The baby is now about 10 weeks and I'm getting a little more energy. Not much, but some. Last night I went to see Coffeeboy to figure out what his definition of "supportive" meant. He told me that he wanted to be a very active part in this baby's life. What a relief to hear that! The last guy became a total alcoholic and never gave me any type of support. He also said that he had come to some conclusions about a few of his thoughts, but it wasnt' the right time to tell me. Now, that made me a little nervous. Are his conclusions good conclusions or are they going to be hard for me to handle? I don't know and I'm going to try not to think about them too much. The good news, I'm almost out of the high miscarriage term and the birth father is going to be supportive! Yay!!!!!! The next thing to figure out is if we (Coffeeboy and I) are going to find out what we're having or if we're going to be surprised. I asked him last night and at this point he hasn't thought about it either way. So, we have about 5 weeks (hoping that the medicaid gets accepted) till we have to figure out if we want to know or not. Hope you all are having a good time in whatever you're doing. Current Mood: relaxed (Comment on this)
Monday, March 13th, 2006
12:10 pm	Another wonderful update on my life! Haha! This is the last week of classes before a hopefully relaxing week down in the Springs (minus the doctor appointment that I have to go to all alone). All my mid terms are done (with one that I'm positive I failed) and my counseling trainging for crisis pregnancy is going to be wrapping up this weekend. How ironic is this? I sign up for this training, pay the money for the materials, and then find out that I'm going through a crisis pregnancy!!! As far as my pregnancy, I'm now around 9 weeks along. The morning sickness is dying down, but the prenatal pills are disgusting! I just told the resident director today which was ok she has two kids (although in marriage) and was very non-judgemental about the whole situation. The only form of discipline (so far) is that I am now required to meet with her at least once a week until the end of the semester. So, not too bad. Also, she is not going to be telling my RA's or any other students so I'm very thankful for that. The worst thing about being pregnant at a christian school is the supposed "christians" who love to judge your sin because it's visible and let their sins slide. Now, the hard part of this whole mess is threefold. I have to tell Kendra Kammer and the Tate's that I'm pregnant (the two families that I have never wanted to let down in my life!), I have to apply to my 3rd college (UCCS here I come) because the AGS program in the Springs (part of CCU) does not offer psychology courses, and lastly I have to figure out where the heck I'm going to work not only this summer but next school year as well. I need to find ways of providing for this child! I'm still hoping (and believing) that Coffeeboy will be as supportive as he says he's gonna be. Which, in my mind, is that he'll be willing to take the baby once in awhile so I can go to classes and help with finances. I really don't want to have to go to court for child support. And, honestly, the more and more I think about this the more I want to be able to say that I'm married and have the two of us there to support eachother and this child. Ahhhh!!!!! I'm so stressed out!!!!!!!!!! I need someone to come and rescue me from this week and let me go right into my spring break! Current Mood: stressed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 7th, 2006
3:45 pm	Update on the little peanut I am now 8 weeks pregnant and I'm getting excited! I just went to Babies 'R Us to buy some things for another baby shower that I have this saturday. Everyone is pregnant from my old job!!! My boss is two weeks behind me (give or take) and Lakeisha had a baby boy today so Happy Birthday to him! Another co-worker is having her baby in 2 to 3 weeks. So many babies!!!! My next doctor's appointment is the 22nd with the same doctor who went through my last pregnancy with me. Thankfully the new insurance I have is partners with the doctors office so I'm not paying tons of money! Just buying prenatal vitamins is expensive!!! Ahh, why????? Oh well, I still have two midterms tomorrow and then off to tell the RD. I'm not nervous about the RD yet, but I know I will be! Hope you all enjoy these updates...If ya dont', well... stop reading the posts I guess. Current Mood: excited (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 4th, 2006
7:32 am	Doctor's final conclusion Went to the doctor yesterday to get things figured out. They did a lot of tests to see what it was. I got checked for low iron in my blood, for pregnancy, for strep, so many things. The conclusion was... I'm pregnant. 7 weeks to be exact. So, I called Coffeeboy to let him know for sure that he was going to be a father. He was shocked, who isn't when they hear this news, and had me come down to the Springs so that we could figure everything out. Our parents were made aware and my roommates up here were told as well. This is going to be very hard. (Not like it ever is easy) I'm going to finish out my semester here and then try to transfer campuses down to the Springs so that I can finish through CCU. Coffeeboy and I haven't made any decisions yet, it's far too early to expect that, but the one thing I know is that no matter what (whether or not we get married) I'm keeping this baby and raising it as my own. I know Coffeeboy will be supportive of me and the child so there's no worries there. So, now that you all know. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I have midterms this week and have to break the news to the Resident Director. Which means that I'll get disciplined somehow. Not fun, but I need to go through it. Current Mood: relieved (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 2nd, 2006
1:05 pm	my life is done.... Tomorrow I go to the doctor to finally see what the heck is wrong with me. I have been feeling terrible since the beginning of February and no one has been able to give me any answers. I'm completely freaking out and that makes me assume the worse. I've gone from thinking that I'm possibly pregnant to wondering if there's something really wrong with either my uterus or my kidneys. I'm scared to do anything and the few things that I want to do I feel unable to do because I'm always tired. I can't eat large portions of food (not a bad thing, I know), but I have to eat about every two hours. My body feels weak and my mind is sluggish. I can't pay attention to my classes any more and I'm worried that I may have to drop out of school for good. I just want someone to tell me what's wrong and how I get over it! I'm terrified and I have found it impossible to cry. Current Mood: worried (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, February 20th, 2006
11:00 am	There goes my life.... Well, this weekend was a lot of fun. A group of friends from snowmass went to Crawford for the weekend. One of my friends owns a hunting lodge up there. The great thing is that Crawford is one town away from where my sister lives in Hotchkiss. So, I spent half the time with the group at the hunting lodge then the other half was with my sister. We had a great time! We watched a few movies, shot some targets out in the back with both a .22 shotgun and .22 handgun. The worst thing is that (if you've ever noticed this) when you take guys to a "hunting" lodge they become ass holes! We discovered the most possible reason for this: Men have this sense about them that when they're at a location for "men" (such as a hunting lodge or out fishing) they must prove their manliness to the detriment of any females that are around. So, this all started on the way to the lodge and didn't really end until last night when we got back to Lakewood. I hate how pathetic guys can be!!!!!! Now, ignoring that aspect for awhile.... My sister and I had a great time! I only spent one night with her, but it was so much fun! We went to the bar, West Elk Bar, and just met up with almost everyone in Hotchkiss and Paonia. Between the two of us we finished off two buckets o' beer (approximately a 12 pack) and a few extra freebies. I was feeling really good! They had a DJ mixing music and so Tanya and I went out dancing with almost anyone who asked. (The ages ranged from 16 to 60) At the end of the night (since you have to stay till close) we not only had ourselves that we had to get home, but this 16 year old (Bryce) and two other guys (names forgotten).... First we go over to one house were a kid needs to get picked up from. Here there's more drinking (scaring deer that are in the middle of the road) and justs bs-ing. So, eventually, through this house, we pick up another person (Bud). Now we have 6 people in a Ford pickup truck... A tight squeeze to say the least. We drop everyone off at their homes (minus Bud who comes home with us.) Once we get home Tanya goes right off to bed and Bud and I stay up and talk. We had a really good conversation and stayed up until almost 6am before falling asleep together on the couch. After all this, I go back to the lodge to deal with the ass hole boys again and get ready for our drive back to Lakewood. The drive back was really nice for me. (Earlier I had been stuck with a car full of guys and had to hear them bitch about females.) On the way back I was in a car of all girls and we just had a blast talking, playing games, and sleeping. I got home in time to do a psych test that I had due on Monday and sleep. Overall the weekend was a lot of fun!!!!!!! And to top it off.... I did have my accent for at least half the time!!!!!! Current Mood: cheerful (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 7th, 2006
1:16 pm	Boredom, the reason for my rantings Ok, so I've been on here for about a week now. And somehow I have found something to write about or say every day. yeah, I know that's really odd... and I do blame it all on boredom. (Or at least the lack of wanting to do school work.) Today, all I really want to do is figure out what I'm going to write about for my upcoming paper... Other than that I want to jump over the next couple weeks (especially Valentine's day) and get on towards spring break!!! I don't really know what I want to do for spring break, but as long as I'm not stuck going back to the Springs and living with my parents I'll be happy. So, I got up the nerve to ask Coffeeboy about that night... He claims that he remembers everything, but he didn't mention the penetration, so I didn't mention it either. I guess that's just going to be a moment in my past that I can look back on and say..."ah ha". Now, what's left is to figure out my next move... Do I continue to act like a foolish girl and chase after him or do I boycott all men? Right now I must say that there has to be another choice. That choice, I hope, is to go about my daily life being secure in who I am in all my sexuality and opinions and be satisfied with the thought that right now I'm going to be without a guy. Obviously, there are not guys at my school that are interested in me, and there's no one else who I can find interest in that's close enough for it to work out. Even Coffeeboy is an hour to and hour and an half away from where I'm living so there's really no point in that either. Oh, well... My life will go on and all of those who read this can see the thoughts and perceptions that I bring into this place. Current Mood: bored (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 5th, 2006
3:13 pm	Yeah I can be a freak too Your Brain's Pattern You have a dreamy mind, full of fancy and fantasy. You have the ability to stay forever entertained with your thoughts. People may say you're hard to read, but that's because you're so internally focused. But when you do share what you're thinking, people are impressed with your imagination. What Pattern Is Your Brain? Current Mood: amused (4 Comments |Comment on this)